|
[16 Oct 2007|11:12pm] |
Most of the time I am out in public, I think to myself, I really wish I had a brick to randomly hit people with.
I would keep it in a sock and it would be weightless until the moment I chose to hit someone's fucking face with it.
I thought this like 30 times today.
|
|
|
[07 Oct 2007|03:09am] |
So, all in all things are really good in my life right now.
Work is awesome. I have some glorious friends in my life I have been spending the days with. Old friendships have been rekindled and understanding have been made with old aquaintances with room for new friendships to blossom and possibly flourish in the future.
But, I just feel so........bored. I need excitement.
For once, I am pretty okay with being single but I just wish I could meet someone to make up for lost excitment, even if it's just you know... in the bedroom. Sorry for being so blunt but I know some girls (or even guys) will understand that feeling. I am just so fucking bored of the same old same old. Maybe I have my issues with that I need to confront but I feel if I don't get that squared away soon I may kill someone.
I want someone to travel with me this summer. Even if its just a small road trip. I want someone to say they are going to do it, and actually do it. I need excitement. I need change, even if just briefly.
But, really I cant complain.
I got the bad eggs out.
The good eggs near.
And some ready to hatch any day now.
|
|
|
[23 Mar 2007|03:14am] |
If you LIVE THROUGH THIS WITH ME, I SWEAR THAT I WOULD DIE FOR YOU.
Was she asking for it?
Was she asking nice?
Well, she was asking for it.
Did she ask you twice?
|
|
|
[28 Feb 2007|04:24am] |
|
tonight i felt probably the worst about myself i have in a decade.
i am going to become one of those people who gets emense amounts of plastic surgery done to feel better about themselves and end up looking like janice dickinson at 50.
im going to be alone forever.
|
|
| you'll be a lover in my bed. and a gun to my head. |
[24 Feb 2007|01:59am] |
i broke my glasses today. second pair of duct taped poindexter glasses.
i should start a ska band.
im so fucking broke till my next paycheck i cant feed myself or medicate myself and im pretty sure my ear is going to explode anyday now. its pretty awful.
old habits die hard im realizing.
i just felt like offing myself as i wrote that and my phone rang which makes that last statement creditablity completely clear cuz i actually answered.
i continue to get lied to by a person who knows i'd care unconditionally.
i know he's lying straight to my face, why do i still care?
it's illogical. i must really hate myself.
i think im going to give up. stop calling. stop trying. he obviously doesnt care about me in any way shape or form. he's obviously a bad friend.
i cant get excited about much of anything.
im pretty much scared to leave my house--havent gone to work in two days.
was invited out tonight and i couldnt even leave.
yet, i sit here and feel like im rotting.
all i wanna do is listen to the weakerthans and wish i had last spring back.
everything came together--everything was perfection.
i was so fucking happy. everyone knew it.
i had an egotistical confidence to me.
i felt like i could conquer anything.
i felt like everyone was under me. where did that go?
oh yeah, kansas city, got boyfriends, new jobs, and i started going into a constant state of delerium.
my pop punk prince is now the new thom yorke according to some weird european magazine i purchased at borders a few weeks ago....and even the songs cant stay the same. it's tragic and beautiful, but i just wish for days of jude law and shower scenes.
|
|
| i've come to wish you an unhappy birthday cuz you're evil and you lie. |
[23 Feb 2007|04:11am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the smiths- unhappy birthday |
] |
so, i haven't wrote in here in awhile.
overall, i had a pretty good week but, something came over me tonight after talking to my oldest sister. i watched this episode of scrubs and it reminded me of her, so i called her. at the time i called her, she was at this meeting she went to with the intent to help my nephew but after listening to the seminar she was like, "this is totally something i could do to help my sister." and was thinking of me at the exact same time. my sister really have connections like that more than people would like to believe. (another example of this is a few weeks ago when she heard three songs on the radio that never come on...like ever that reminded of her of me so she called ' just to see if i was okay, turns out at that exact time i was having a complete nervous breakdown and all i wanted to do was speak to my sister but, hadn't actually picked up the phone to call yet)we prices have ESP like that. i can sense awful things (like my dads death...and when queen will come on the radio)
anyways, the phone call was great but after that, i just started feeling really bummed. thinking about how much i love my neice and my nephew and how little i actually get to spend with them, and my sister and my other siblings that live far away. i started thinking about the past, and the mistakes i made, like how i should have chose to live with her after my dad died, how i could have felt like i had a family...you know? how devereux would have never happened. how the years i spent overmediciated would never happen. the chance you know i would be 24 years old right now and not a complete fucking loser who has no idea where to go from here or how to actually achieve much of anything.
then that of course, turned into me listening to the weakerthans and radiohead for a good hour with this terrible ear ache (oh how i am a sucker for pain) and thinking about how much i just feel like im rotting here repeating the same patterns over and over trying to break them. but, people dont change i guess. ever. someone told me that recently and im finally believing it. i am alone. (we all will live and someday die alone) i have this: a beautiful girl named jessica whos relentlessly always there for me. i have an internet bff (who i am pretty sure stopped giving a shit awhile ago when he realized how incredibly fucked i am), and a friend in san diego whos been more of a friend to me lately than anyone...i have a handful of aquaintances and old flames to talk to but, not really connect with anymore. i have the burning in my stomach that makes me miss certain people who really are complete douchebags and my heart just wont believe that. (in my life why do i give valueable time to people who dont care if a live or die?)
you ever get the feeling, where you dont wanna kill yourself but you dont really care if you get hit by a bus? i really feel like that more often than not. i was walking down the street today, crossing this road i got hit by a car twice before..and i didnt look both ways because i just didnt care. and this isnt some sort of cry for help (cuz then id just shave my head britney style) it's just venting i guess. cuz i am realizing people dont change. this is it. accept it. ill never be happy. (also coming to this realization from a direct quote from the jeff raum motivation boat. pun intended.)
i dont even know if there was a point to this.
i just guess i wish i had real friends close by. someone i could have real talks with. someone who asked me how i was really doing--and truly cared and understood. someone who liked me for me not what i can offer them. someone who didnt make me break down in tears when i thought of them.
oh well.
|
|
| im an addict for dramatics. i confuse the two for love. |
[17 Jan 2007|04:49am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
taking back sunday- liar |
] |
dear you,
so, i have been questioning the sincerity of your apology the last twenty four hours. consuming this entire month or so with taking back sunday and mourning sickness...trying to fit together these puzzle pieces of my life back together as best as i can. i am pretty sure it was insincere because if you meant everything you said to everyone else but myself, you never gave a shit to start with, so why would you feel the need to say i am sorry in the first place? honestly. i wanted you to apoligise, i did. but for the right reasons. because you did care about me, in any way shape or form and knew you were a deceitful, heartless, jerk to me who hurt me beyond a doubt. a hurt so bad, i dont think i can ever truly forget. if you did care, i can forgive. which is why i told you this evening i did. but, that is the only reason. i cannot forget the hurt you caused me. i didn't deserve any of this.
dispite that, i still idiotically miss you terribly. perhaps its just the compfort i felt with being someone i felt was as completely fucked up as me, maybe it was your voice, maybe it was your smile, maybe it was the quirks i loved about you like how when you'd get excited your smile and change of voice or how when you lie you can tell it right in your face, maybe it's the way you smelled, maybe it was just the idea of you, who fucking know. what i do know, is you allowed it to happen. and after i gave you so many chances to come clean, you didn't. even after the fact when you said it wasnt about a girl, other peoples assumptions were wrong, i was crazy and it was in my head, you know i would have been there regardless. you knew i would have never judged. you knew i cared and you talked shit about me behind my back when all i did was give you my time, my money i dont really have to give, my secrets i never told anyone, and most importantly, a big chunk of my heart that had already been bruised time and time again. i wanted more from you than what you could give at first, but, still i was willing to accept that in exchange for good valued friendship. you were the one who told me things changed for you. you were the one who begged me to come over on a thursday night when i really wanted you to have your space. i didnt want to crowd you, cuz i was so scared shit would get fucked up, and it felt so good. you were the one who invited me over. you were the one. you were. it hurts. it hurts so much, i wish you could feel it for just one second to know how bad this is for me. and maybe you could see. but would it really matter? probably not. but i miss you terribly. even though, you are a fucking asshole.
and it hurts, with you...i will always let you have the upper hand because i do care that much. ive been so fucked up for my own reasons lately, i felt so desolate. alone in a crowded room. i dont know you changed that for me. in you, i saw something deeper i suppose. so much brighter than you think you are, or even present yourself to be. so much wasted potiential. so much i would be willing to help you with, if you only wanted it for yourself.
it hurts i am dealing with certain things right now, i cannot speak about in an online forum. things indirectly having to deal with you, and i am dealing with them completely alone when i wished you gave a flying fuck to just be there for me, like i was for you. but i probably won't get that because you lied and never fucking cared. you used me. you used me and told the world. the one thing the most important person in your life begged you not to do, and you hurt him time and time again and did that and other things. i wont even get into that. i gotta ask why. i would have done it all if you weren't my boyfriend, so why did you lead me to believe you wanted me to be your girlfriend back? why did you introduce to me to people like that? why did you call me that to your friend when he called at 4am? why? im stupid i chose you over a pretty amazing girl who is now gone cos i thought she's wrong. she's wrong, i met this amazing boy....who makes everything better...i am a bad friend.
what i want from you. what i want from you is to care. if you dont already, then fuck it. tell me. i will never talk to you again, if thats what you like. i will deal with this wound alone. it wasnt all you. it was my mom leaving. it was last thanksgiving. it was my family. it was loosing friends, it was being 23 with a good head on my shoulders but feeling like a faliure cuz i am not even sure i want more than what i have. it was that, and making all these plans cuz i thought they were the right things to do. cuz everyone tells you look bigger, never settle. and i am totally okay with settling. so, it wasnt you. it was shit i needed to figure out, you distracted me from. i want things to go back to normal. i want to hang out and lay in my bed and watch the motherfucking oc with you on thursday nights and laugh and be cool. if as just as friends, i can deal. i miss that. i want you to be there for me, even if just to physically be there. i want to see an effort youre trying to fix things. i want to see an effort you give a shit about anything ive done for you, and more importantly, who i am and for me. cuz i think i am a pretty good person, and i deserve it.
he asked me a favor this one day coming home from work. i remember it clearly. "Would you be friends with my brother?" i asked him why. he said he needed good people who didnt do drugs to be in his life. i had seen pictures before of you, and thought you were pretty adorable. i said why not. i needed a friend at that point so bad i guess, i felt like maybe this would be a good thing. i stayed up half the night in new york on my sisters laptop talking to you. i got all giddy when you said, "is it weird i'll miss you?" i dont know i think of these things far too often. and your kisses. and stupid questions id ask you cuz id wonder weird things about you, cuz im in fact i freakin weirdo. i think about 10 pages of journal i dedicated to the story of you cuz you were sad you weren't a big part of your brother's book. i decided then, after weeks of writers block, what to write about. and it came naturally. beautiful words on paper to describe a beautiful person that became so important to me so fast. does that mean a god damn thing to you? probably not. i want to say this to your face. i want you to feel how this feels. i want you to know i miss you. i want you to know i wanna see you. i want you to know i want to take you out to dinner whenever i get my car, and until then id settle for buying you chinese and sitting in my room and watching lords of dogtown or some other movie of your choosing. or just simply talking. talking the truth, not the lies you feed everyone and probably yourself. i want that today. that day at the bus stop. i said i give everyone important to me, nicknames. and yours would come to me. it came to me last night and i wanted to share it with you, but at this point, i am sure that didnt matter then, and wont matter now. that day was about one thing. it was about me thinking i was saving christmas, saving you, buying you fucking heroin, you lying about it and saying it was something else to me. then me, watching you get back on a bus to go home, when all i ever wanted it to be about was my boyfriend waiting for me to go to work and wanting to spend a nice day with me. oh well. i dont get it, maybe it's cuz i really did fucking care about someone, dispite their faults, but, i miss you. please come around soon, dispite all this i care. unconditionally cuz thats how i love my friends. its unfair youre the one who writes me off. all of this unfair and i just want my friend back. thats what i want. i think the only way i can really see your apology is insincere is if that is proven to me. a clear apology for all that was done and to walk away afterwards because you feel bad about it, or you dont feel at all is just another sign of you spinelessness and leads me to believe you never gave a shit to begin with. oh well, if that offends you then prove me wrong. ill be the best friend you'll ever have. otherwise, its really your loss.
love always,
your jewish princess
|
|
| and when i see my reflection in the gutter, it makes me want to fight the boys next door. |
[18 Dec 2006|07:12am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the twilight collective |
] |
so this weekend was pretty sw33t.
went to grange yesterday to see twilight collective with jess. saw matt canning be a rock star. it was probably the best set i've seen them play thus far. i saw a bunch of people i hadn't seen in awhile. afterwards, i ended up jonathans's per usual. he gave me a bunch of hannukah presents this morning including the oc seasons 2 and 3 so i will pretty much be glued to the tv this entire week, so don't bother me.
i am really bored, this entry was completely boring and pointless but i felt the need to validate my life by putting something in here.
|
|
|
[16 Dec 2006|03:41am] |
Listen now my sweetheart
I never meant to cause you pain
We could have spent all summer here making daisy chains
I lie awake at night staring at my roof
Now, you’re gone.
For weeks I’ve had your pretty face
Hanging in my brain
Its suspended like the reflection in a window pain
You hang just like a ghost over city streets
Now, you’re gone.
How could I begin to finish what I couldn’t start?
I’m more General Haig than Napoleon Bonaparte
Go now just sleep
No more words please
Now, you’re gone.
Listen now my sweetheart
I never meant to cause you pain
We could have spent all summer here making daisy chains
I lie awake at night staring at my roof
Now, you’re gone.
|
|
|
[11 Nov 2006|11:52pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nine inch nails |
] |
I love my life.
|
|
|
[08 Nov 2006|01:32am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Brand New- Jesus Christ |
] |
I miss when it was all a game. Confidence disgised in witty comebacks, answering questions with more questions, and my smile.
It's really hard to articulate something when you can't even manage to figure out how you feel about things. It's been deciphered up to a point where it's nothing but chewed up peices of negativity. Trying to work on songs with Ryan last night was pointless, more maybe not.
I realised when I read everything back, just how fucking confusing this all is.
I wonder if they know I miss them, I wonder if they care. I wonder if they know they've become ghosts.
|
|
|
[05 Nov 2006|04:53am] |
and if I only could,
make a deal with God,
get him to swap our places,
be running up that road,
be running up that hill,
be running up that building.
if I only could.
|
|
|
[30 Oct 2006|01:16am] |
I have always ate ice cream for dinner.
We shared that.
|
|
|
[20 Oct 2006|07:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ashlee simpson cuz im a loser |
] |
I been so fucking sick this entire week.
I have a cold on top of a kidney infection.
Today was the first day I didn't feel like complete asshole.
Thank you, God.
I am debating if I feel better this evening whether to lay low or go to Philly to see a friend of mine. I kind of feel like even though I been sick I need human interaction or I may die.
And honestly- the cat is not enough.
This week has been strange, full of confessions from people and new found information.
Talking to my aunt and my brother for the first time in over 10 years.
Some of it makes me feel great, while things leave me feeling unsettled.
Some awesome person in my life gave me great advice this week, and it totally changed my outlook I think on some things.
I made a list of places I would like to go before 2007.
*Texas to see my brother
*Florida to see Kayte and my aunt [ps how fucking weird is it kayte lives in florida now?]
*NYC to see my sister like alwayysysysysysyss
*Los Angeles to hang out with Jeff Raum [hopefully with Kevin Stoner by my side.]
*Oregon to see my sister
*Providence to see my cousin.
*Ohio to finally hang out with Zach!!!!!!
Yep.
That's it.
No one reads this shit probably but Zach.
So hello, faggot! <3
|
|
|
[19 Oct 2006|05:51am] |
Hey you, riding your bike in the rain,
I think you may know,
I always wished I was her.
But her face often changed.
We met talking about a PA
It was Autumn sometime midday
Seinor year of high school
We drove around listen to--
What was it?
The Get up kids.
It was a year later you'd tear out my heart
I dont know why,
but it was always you.
You by far.
So here I am again
lost between my bedsheets.
I couldnt move if I tried.
It's sometimes like
the whole world can stop from here.
If I close my eyes--
maybe you will dispear.
And for a minute here the world will stop
if i let it
and I am not sure if I regret it.
I always wanted to be her,
though her face often changed.
And you told me I was it.
The only one all along
Time after Time
Did you mean it?
I made excuses for you
Time after time
And they told me you were scared
So I waited fucking hard for the day would come around.
Oh baby you said,
The lines you fed left me stranded in this bed.
And I wonder when you're off with them
At their shows
Do you even care at all you've left me this comotose?
Was I just safe?
Crazy thats for sure.
Thats what they said.
Right?
Now I am stranded here in my bed.
I always wished I was her.
But her face often changed.
Who is it today?
|
|
|
[18 Oct 2006|05:54am] |
I want to be Angela Chase for Halloween.
Someone should be my Jordan Catalano.
|
|
|
[17 Oct 2006|08:05am] |
|
How would you invest 10 grand?
|
|
| Well, I'm a waste like you with nothing else to do, May I waste your time too? |
[14 Oct 2006|10:13am] |
Kim is moving next weekend and I don't know how I feel about it.
She will only be an hour or so away, but it sucks. Another person I care about, moving away..another face fading away. Ah but, life goes on.
Our last night together could have been better I suppose but it's who your with not really where you are that counts.
I saw Jessi tonight, she made me smile..
I have been having these feelings lately I know I can't share with anyone. Nothing bad in the sense where my friends need to worry, but, feelings more or less about someone in my life I know for a fact I shouldn't have. It's strange because I have always been so willing to talk to certain people when things occur, sometimes things similar as to this situation but, for once in my life it really truly is different. I don't want to share what I have been thinking with anyone but my private journals hidden in my room where I write the things I never tell anyone. It's strange and like everything in my life, they are asinine to have in the sense where I know nothing positive will occur from it.
It's always been easy for me, if I wanted someone to try the big romantic gesture in hopes I obtain who I am pining over. It's almost manipulative in the sense where I am only doing it because I want them to like me. This is the first time in my life I have not felt that way at all. It's totally selfless and that scares me a little. That's another reason I think it's bad. It's scary the question in my head...is this the first geniune feeling I have ever had for a person?
In retrospect, I can admit now maybe everything else prior was a fascade. I was in love with the moment. The time. The idea. I was in love with wanting to obtain the goal. The person in my head became a goal and not a person at all. It's weird how your mind works.
This is why it's scary to me. I know this time it's nothing like that. I refuse to talk about it any further because I said too much on an internet bloggidy blog.
Anyways, whatever, right?
Useless thought.
It will never happen anyway.
Nothing does.
But, I can smile I suppose. It's not the end of the world and I still have plenty to be happy about.
Im going to bed now.
|
|
| This how im sopposed to be in a land make believe that dont believe in me. |
[10 Oct 2006|06:30am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
green day [what else?] |
] |
I'm laying in my bed posting this from my phone.
I started working as a pre school teacher in wilmington about three weeks ago. it is a real legit adult job for once in my life. I adore working with children so I can honestly say its pretty gratifing. i still wonder though, is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life though. the words the rest of my life have been so scary to me lately.
I feel like I have to impress everyone with this idea of what I should be doing. find something you're good at. find something you kind of like. make a career out of it. it all seems so final. the only thing I ever knew I wanted was a family and to find love. I would be hapy being a house wife and working on my books at home. or maybe a side venture like creating something. clothes. jewlery. a webpage. something. but, alas everyone says girl, you need to grow up. figure things out. you wasted too much of your life. so I guess that's what I'm doing. and while I love it, I just feel so...uncertain. and scared at how final it seems.
I really want to travel. I don't rememeber being further than 8 hours from my home. I want to see the united states. I want to see other countries. I want to be with a beautiful man so he can see my face and I can share it with him as I experience everything for the first time.
I don't know. I guess these fears are normal. I guess I will suck it up and enjoy my new adult job. one day I may travel. one day I may even find myself with a man who is hopelessly in love with me and wants to travel with me. one day. maybe.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
rawryraid's journal